Let's Talk About Sexual Shame

Episode4: Let's Talk About Sexual Shame

Explicit

What is Sexual Shame?

“Sexual shame refers to the feeling of profound responsibility and deep remorse associated with participation in and/or thoughts and fantasies about sexual activity.” - Dr. Kelifern Pomeranz, Psy.D., CST (Clinical Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, Coach, and Relationship Expert)

"A high level of sexual shame can place an individual at risk for sexual dysfunction, impaired relationships, and sexual acting out.” - Dr. Kelifern Pomeranz

https://www.drpomeranz.com/sexual-shame

What do people feel shame about?

Body acceptance
Pleasure
Intimacy
Desire
Lust
Intercourse
Masturbation
Orgasm
Arousal
Felling Sexy

Where does it come from?

Religion
Sex only in marriage
Only for procreation in some cases
Pleasure is not a reason in itself
Sinful
Conversion Therapy
Family
Reaction to child masturbation
How sex was talked about in the home
Values/morals
Society/Culture
school sex education (sex positive vs abstinence)
Nursing in public
The Media
Idealized versions of sex
Slut shaming
Social media constantly blocking posts including words like sex, erotic, vulva….
Trauma
Sexual abuse
Rape or attempted rape

Why do sex and shame often go together?

Sex historically has been connected to value and virtue
Patriarchal
Virginity/Purity is equated with value
Men as a conquest
Women have been taught that their sexuality should be hidden
Slut-shaming vs conquest
Modesty - women are often taught that they are responsible for the thoughts and actions of men
Sexual deviance was often considered a mental health disorder
Sexual identity
Gender identity
Religious Control
It’s the one thing that most people universally desire and therefore need to keep coming back for forgiveness or conform
Make it sinful and shameful
Make pleasure selfish and sinful

How does it affect us?

I clearly remember that when I got married, my husband tried to call me “sexy” and I was so uncomfortable with that term
I didn’t want to be seen as a sex object
It aided to shut down an erotic side of our relationship
We end up struggling to talk about sex
It’s bad
We don’t enjoy it
We have an aversion to it
Bad feelings about it
Judge ourselves and others
Struggle to orgasm
Feel stuck
Feel trapped
No intimacy
Embarrassed about our bodies (body shame)
Struggle with nudity
Judge Sex
Feel guilty about wanting sex, or having fantasies and desires
Hide away
Can cause mental health issues like anxiety and depression
Don’t feel like they fit in

Types of Sexual Shame

Thinking your body doesn’t work right and shaming yourself for lack of erection or pain instead of realizing everyone is different and we can talk about these things
Shame about Desire and Fantasies going against one’s personal values or moral character (programming)
Internalized Homophobia
Slut shaming
Trauma survivors unable to be authentic and honest about parts of their experience (eg. experiencing pleasure)
Feeling Responsible for Someone else’s pleasure
Underlying questions and guilt about kinks
Sexual health - anything from periods to STI’s

What can we do to kick guilt and shame to the curb?